While I'm gathering information for one of my Ethiopia posts and waiting for my new computer to edit pictures for another, I thought I'd open up a bit about some things that have been bothering me, concerning me, and depressing me.

I feel worthless. As a human being. As a productive member of society, really. I suck. And I know a lot of you are like gufawwing at this, thinking "No! You are so awesome Lauren, I love you, you're fantastic! You're wonder woman! You can do anything!" because most of you have actually said those things to me. I realize I come off a certain way - fearless, adventurous, even intelligent and capable. But the truth is, I'm not really any of those things. I know I've traveled a lot, and some places a lot of people wouldn't even consider seeing. And I know I pursued a very astute major of study. But I slacked on both of those things, and now I feel worthless.

I know I'm young, but I feel like I landed at just the wrong time in our society. I didn't do well in school, regardless of my degree, because I got burned out. Bad. I mean, it's not like I flunked anything, but I am not normally a B student, even, and in my physics classes, there are a lot of C's. And I wish at the time I realized "Hey, that's average at the number one research institute for physics, you can still do this" because if I thought that, I wouldn't have gotten myself down SO HARD that I didn't even try to do better, or try to make connections with students, or try to go for research opportunities with professors. I basically just quit at that point because I thought I was a failure, so why bother? And there's a lot of stories like that for the 3 years I was at UCSC. I just didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know how to handle getting over 15 years of bad study habits from growing up in a shit town with zero challenges in class. And parents that never really pushed me to do anything because I was stubborn. I inherited my dad's laziness and arrogance and thought, "Well, when I'm put in a situation where I actually need to perform, it'll happen, I don't need to worry about it now." But all I wish for was that I had a better upbringing to push me to do more extracurriculars, or pick up an instrument, or TRY for that tennis scholarship. But with my parents going through a divorce that whole time, I was just floating around, not really being responsible for myself, but not having any idea what await me in adulthood.

And now here I am, I'm applying for all kinds of jobs on Craigslist, and USAjobs, and USGS, etc etc, and for 3 months I haven't gotten a single word. Not even from two tutoring agencies. All I think is that I don't come close to qualifying for any of this. I know I'm smart, I know I'm capable, but I got a 2.8 GPA in school and have zero experience other than Walgreens and Target. What scientific agency is really going to want me? I seem unmotivated and incapable of anything beyond those in-college jobs of cashier or customer service rep. But I don't want a job like that because after 6 months, I'm clawing at my brain for something that USES it. 

I know I belong somewhere! I know there's got to be something out there that can utilize my skillset. I know I HAVE A SKILLSET. It doesn't translate well on paper maybe, so I have no idea how to broadcast it! I just feel like nobody out there will give me the chance I deserve. I know I can make a difference in this world but I have no idea how or who to go to in order to start! Nobody wants me and for the first time, I don't know how to fix that. 

I'm so terrified that I won't find anything, and so how long do I stick around, mooching off my friends before realizing I need to give up, move back home, and work at Walmart?

Honestly, this is something I've been keeping to myself because it's not something I'd have thought about even a year ago, but I've seriously been thinking about joining the military. Just to give me something to put on paper. I feel like they could use my degree and I feel I could connect with people for a nice government job when I get out. However, lately all I've been hearing is how selective they've been now, and I worry THEY won't even take me. I think I'm going to talk to a recruiter when this snow stops though and see what they say. I'm just sick of sitting on this couch day in and day out, posting my resume everywhere and feeling like a whore with STDs. 

Why can't I just find a billionaire who wants a housewife? I could balance checkbooks like a pro. Then I could make art, learn music, and buy gym equipment to work out all day. Oh life. And how different mine has turned out. I think I had great potential and somewhere along the lines, I simply squelched it.
Just chiming in to say I'm still slacking. But my laptop has been sucking at life lately, so even though I can't come close to affording it, I bought a new one (yay horrible but awesome decisions!). So hopefully in a week or so, I will have my new compy to finally finish editing pictures and post the final Ethiopia summary on here. 

I am also slacking at the other posts I've wanted to do. Mikey has agreed to help me with my vector project, but I have yet to send him all the info (fail, me). But hopefully that will happen soon too.

Right now, I'm applying to jobs all over the place, not hearing any response whatsoever, and also doing 4 free M.I.T. classes that I hope to complete for official college credit (woohoo!). In the meantime, I'm also deciding whether to put school on hold some more to do a few years of work and not look like a total slack loser, or if I want to find another dead-beat job to make income while I ask schools if they would possibly take me for a PhD program. Decisions...

Life in Colorado has been nice though. While I feel like a mooch and a non-productive member of society, Jake and I do some pretty fun stuff every day and this week we hope to have our first couchsurfer!! Other than that, it's Insanity six days a week (mont two is about to start!), biking to our fave cafe, DBC, and raw food extravaganza. 

I'm starting to get inspired again to be creative and do things. I have like a billion sock monkey beanies I could revamp and sell (thanks Arlene!) and I'm knitting again. I want to paint again and maybe take creative writing classes. But really, I just want a job and routine for a bit and try to fit a bunch of fun stuff all around it. So, wish me luck I guess!