Changing my blog completely around (yeah I'm a little crazy and change things a lot) - and I'm even changing the name of my blog (Let's say I don't plan on having dreadlocks for another few years...). I will also be changing it over to Blogger for a little more in depth customization. 

Anyway, there won't be updates on here for a while (or ever again) and I'm probably at least a week or more away of making my new site presentable (and infinitely away from ever getting the site I truly ever want). So yeah... it's 1am, and I'm incoherent. Cheers for now!
Today is Monday. I gave myself the weekend to chillax because I was actually really productive last week. Looking for a job is just as time-consuming and exhausting as actually having a job, why not have a weekend, amiright?

Anyway. It's Monday and back to the grind. There are so many things I need to do and plenty more I WANT to do, and most of the things I want to do are actually a worthwhile step forward toward lifelong goals. 

What I really should get done pronto:
  • As always, job hunting
  • Fixing my car
  • Figure out if I REALLY want to go back to school - and talking to CU Boulder about my options
  • Finishing gathering information for my vector graphic. UGGH

What I would really like to do soon/nowish:
  • Raw food recipes to whore out to DBC and the world
  • Being creative and designing my own clothes, knitting more, and I'd like to get back into painting. I also haven't taken a single photo in gawd knows how long.
  • Learn new things: programming, guitar playing, new languages.
  • Read a book once a week at the very least

Last week, I was actually pretty phenomenal and juggling reviewing math in order to take the Praxis test and become a substitute teacher while I job search, learning French with Duolingo (check it out, it's awesome), learning new programming languages with CodeAcadamy (also worth checking out), and applying to at least one job a day, usually through USAjobs, though it feels pretty pointless because they pretty much only take vets.

It's only Monday. Maybe I need to ease into this week. Unfortunately, there are also things I kind of need to do but require having a constant income, like changing banks, trying to transfer my credit cards to a 0% interest account so I can pay it off before interest starts, and other maintenance I need on my car and in my life in general.

I just can't focus at all today. I'm staring at my math work, an open tab on Code Academy, the shortcut for Duolingo with distaste, and dreading my Insanity workout today, knowing if I don't start soon, it's not happening today. And it's my last week of Insanity, and I told myself I'd actually be super strict and on point for it! Fuck.

Okay. I'm going to eat, because I haven't done that yet. I'm going to knit while I digest for an hour. Work the fuck out. Be happy about it because I could be barefoot and pregnant in a run down crackhouse and 500 lbs. But I'm not, so it's time to appreciate what I have. And then I will look for stupid jobs from stupid people that somehow don't realize how phenomenal I am. I will give my resume to the structural engineer guy I talked to for 3 hours Saturday night who was interested in me. And then I will learn 10 new words in French,  PHP programming, and if Jake is up for it, we will learn statistics together tonight.

Done. Eat it.
Meet latte hoodie scarf. I just named it after the color. Or you can totally drink lattes while you wear it.
File Size: 11727 kb
File Type: pdf
Download File

I really wanted a cute scarf with a hood for versatility, but all the ones I saw online were either too complicated, didn't have a nice drape, or just plain UGLY. Finally I decided it was time to make my own. This one was actually commissioned by a friend as a Christmas present, but I really like the way it turned out so I may one day recreate it for myself. 
I was texting Steve all my ideas when I thought maybe I should just write it down where I can see it whenever I want and dwell and think more and maybe someone would even come across it and give me their two cents. I've talked a little about it with Jake, but he's still all Negative Nancy about me going anywhere without him. 

Okay, so here are my options, I think. Maybe I'll list some pros and cons about them too

1. Continue on the path I am applying to be a substitute teacher while I try to get my foot in the door for some science/tech job. I'm so afraid that three years is going to go by and I'll still be subbing without really getting anywhere. But Jake has some friends in my field he said he would talk to for me to see if there are any entry-level openings I could possibly try for, or at least increase my networking.
  • Pro: I like the idea of teaching full time and being a positive influence on kids and helping our society move forward in that direction. It's possible I could make it a full time gig.
  • Pro: I would be making SOME income soon and start paying off some debt sooner.
  • Pro: I just want a sciencey/techy job!!!
  • Con: The possibility I'm just wasting my time is... there. I would say "high" but that's sounding a little too negative rather than realistic.
  • Con: I could feel like I'm at a dead end job that would make it hard to get up most mornings...

2. Talk to CU Boulder. Go back to school to work my way into a PhD program. I would need to repeat a lot of undergrad classes, maybe even a full two years. But I wouldn't mess up like I did at UCSC and not make connections. It would definitely be guaranteed work afterwords and doing something pretty awesome - being a rocket scientist.
  • Pro: I could redeem myself and get into the field I want, doing what I want, and still live in a place just as cool as Santa Cruz.
  • Con: I could fall back into old habits and make it really hard to study and do well, turning into the same depression that got me here in the first place.
  • Con: It's going to add onto my school debt, and I didn't do any FAFSA this year...

3. Talk to CU Boulder and AFROTC. Go in as a transfer student, definitely do two full years, but have it potentially paid for by the military and have a better chance of writing my own ticket into the the Air Force doing what I want to do (or at least something way less shitty). 
  • Pro: extra schooling paid for
  • Pro: I still redeem myself and get into the field I want
  • Pro: Even though Jake gives me a ton of shit for it, I really do want a job in the military not just for it but also to get government jobs in the future.
  • Pro: Potential for more schooling through the AF and have it paid for.
  • Pro: All those military benefits...
  • Con: I'm a slave for 6+ years.
  • Con: I could fail at school in the same fashion I did before... and ruin everything worse.
  • Con: A lot of sleepless nights, which is scary because I don't do well on lack of sleep, and I could super mess things up.
  • Con: Getting stuck feeling worthless because that's how the military could potentially make me feel after a year of sleepless nights.

4. Argue my way into the Air Force now. I don't have the greatest transcripts, and so could really easily be stuck with the crappiest job ever and have the worst time like Jake keeps telling me I'll have.
  • Pro: Same pros for military as above: future job where I want, benefits, etc.
  • Pro: Maybe some school paid for.
  • Con: Have a really horrible time for 5-6 years. Potentially get stuck in Guam.
  • Con: Have to still wait a year (or more, or maybe less) to even get in, meaning I'm still jobless for a year.
  • Con: same as above for sleepless nights and hating my life.

5. RAW FOOD. I could finally go for the dream above all dreams and start a raw food business. I'd want to take some culinary classes through Matthew Kenney, but after that...
  • Pro: No Raw Food in Denver, could be a huge thing. And I would have to do it NOW because I'm sure a lot of other people are going to start to get on top of it soon.
  • Pro: I could still do other things I want with school, even if it's just free M.I.T. classes. I still want to learn everything about every subject, ever.
  • Con: Culinary classes are EXPENSIVE and I would need to do it now... with no money
  • Con: I'd have to take out a business loan and start the HARDEST business there is to start: Food. The potential for failure is HIGH.

Alright, those are my thoughts. I'm going to talk to CU, AFROTC, and an AF recruiter this week and get more information. I'm also going to start to make some raw food snacks and see how well they go over at DBC. Maybe someone will want to go in on Raw Food with me. I know Mary talks about having an adjoining thing to her yoga studio she's trying to start up, and we've casually talked about it. So who knows. I appreciate any thoughts anyone has. Try not to be so negative and tell me something sucks. Try to keep it positive and just tell me about the idea that you really like. I have enough nay-sayers in my life, and I'm already an extremely negative person.

Now it's time for Insanity, 100 push-ups, and studying for this stupid sub-teaching math test.
So if you remember my South Africa post, I had a song Pata Pata on there. Well if you're on the Google homepage, it turns out it's the songwriter's [would be] 81st birthday today! And the song is so adorable, I thought I'd give another shout out. 
When you set out on the path of awakening, you begin wherever you are. Then - with time, effort, and skillful means - virtue, mindfulness, and  wisdom gradually strengthen and you feel happier and more loving. (pg 15)
...every thought involves a momentary positioning of streaming neural traffic into a coherent assembly of synapses that must soon disperse into fertile disorder to allow other thoughts to emerge (Atmanspacher and Graben 2007). Observe even a single breath, and you will experience its sensations changing, dispersing, and disappearing soon after they arise. (pg 33)
If getting upset about something unpleasant is like being bitten by a snake, grasping for what's pleasant is like grabbing the snake's tail; sooner or later, it will bite you. (pg 41)
[..your brain has a built-in "negative bias"], it generates an unpleasant background of anxiety, which for some people can be quite intense; anxiety makes it harder to bring attention inward for self-awareness or contemplative practice, since the brain keeps scanning to make sure there is no problem. 

...Consequently, the mind continually tends to render unfair verdicts about a person's character, conduct, and possibilities.
To become happier, wiser, and more loving, sometimes you have to swim against ancient currents within your nervous system.
There are a lot more highlights I made and I'll probably add onto this post, but for now.