I was texting Steve all my ideas when I thought maybe I should just write it down where I can see it whenever I want and dwell and think more and maybe someone would even come across it and give me their two cents. I've talked a little about it with Jake, but he's still all Negative Nancy about me going anywhere without him. 

Okay, so here are my options, I think. Maybe I'll list some pros and cons about them too

1. Continue on the path I am applying to be a substitute teacher while I try to get my foot in the door for some science/tech job. I'm so afraid that three years is going to go by and I'll still be subbing without really getting anywhere. But Jake has some friends in my field he said he would talk to for me to see if there are any entry-level openings I could possibly try for, or at least increase my networking.
  • Pro: I like the idea of teaching full time and being a positive influence on kids and helping our society move forward in that direction. It's possible I could make it a full time gig.
  • Pro: I would be making SOME income soon and start paying off some debt sooner.
  • Pro: I just want a sciencey/techy job!!!
  • Con: The possibility I'm just wasting my time is... there. I would say "high" but that's sounding a little too negative rather than realistic.
  • Con: I could feel like I'm at a dead end job that would make it hard to get up most mornings...

2. Talk to CU Boulder. Go back to school to work my way into a PhD program. I would need to repeat a lot of undergrad classes, maybe even a full two years. But I wouldn't mess up like I did at UCSC and not make connections. It would definitely be guaranteed work afterwords and doing something pretty awesome - being a rocket scientist.
  • Pro: I could redeem myself and get into the field I want, doing what I want, and still live in a place just as cool as Santa Cruz.
  • Con: I could fall back into old habits and make it really hard to study and do well, turning into the same depression that got me here in the first place.
  • Con: It's going to add onto my school debt, and I didn't do any FAFSA this year...

3. Talk to CU Boulder and AFROTC. Go in as a transfer student, definitely do two full years, but have it potentially paid for by the military and have a better chance of writing my own ticket into the the Air Force doing what I want to do (or at least something way less shitty). 
  • Pro: extra schooling paid for
  • Pro: I still redeem myself and get into the field I want
  • Pro: Even though Jake gives me a ton of shit for it, I really do want a job in the military not just for it but also to get government jobs in the future.
  • Pro: Potential for more schooling through the AF and have it paid for.
  • Pro: All those military benefits...
  • Con: I'm a slave for 6+ years.
  • Con: I could fail at school in the same fashion I did before... and ruin everything worse.
  • Con: A lot of sleepless nights, which is scary because I don't do well on lack of sleep, and I could super mess things up.
  • Con: Getting stuck feeling worthless because that's how the military could potentially make me feel after a year of sleepless nights.

4. Argue my way into the Air Force now. I don't have the greatest transcripts, and so could really easily be stuck with the crappiest job ever and have the worst time like Jake keeps telling me I'll have.
  • Pro: Same pros for military as above: future job where I want, benefits, etc.
  • Pro: Maybe some school paid for.
  • Con: Have a really horrible time for 5-6 years. Potentially get stuck in Guam.
  • Con: Have to still wait a year (or more, or maybe less) to even get in, meaning I'm still jobless for a year.
  • Con: same as above for sleepless nights and hating my life.

5. RAW FOOD. I could finally go for the dream above all dreams and start a raw food business. I'd want to take some culinary classes through Matthew Kenney, but after that...
  • Pro: No Raw Food in Denver, could be a huge thing. And I would have to do it NOW because I'm sure a lot of other people are going to start to get on top of it soon.
  • Pro: I could still do other things I want with school, even if it's just free M.I.T. classes. I still want to learn everything about every subject, ever.
  • Con: Culinary classes are EXPENSIVE and I would need to do it now... with no money
  • Con: I'd have to take out a business loan and start the HARDEST business there is to start: Food. The potential for failure is HIGH.

Alright, those are my thoughts. I'm going to talk to CU, AFROTC, and an AF recruiter this week and get more information. I'm also going to start to make some raw food snacks and see how well they go over at DBC. Maybe someone will want to go in on Raw Food with me. I know Mary talks about having an adjoining thing to her yoga studio she's trying to start up, and we've casually talked about it. So who knows. I appreciate any thoughts anyone has. Try not to be so negative and tell me something sucks. Try to keep it positive and just tell me about the idea that you really like. I have enough nay-sayers in my life, and I'm already an extremely negative person.

Now it's time for Insanity, 100 push-ups, and studying for this stupid sub-teaching math test.
10/3/2013 03:55:48 pm

Hey! So I'm going to step outta stalker mode and give you my opinion, for what it's worth because I appreciate you being super fucking honest and a pretty legit person overall :)

You may not like this answer, but - what do YOU want to do? Seriously, you can be confused and unsure but I wonder if you're just becoming more confused and unsure because of other people's opinions on what you should do with YOUR life.

Everything involves risk. Moving or staying. Coming or going. Sitting on a decision can ultimately feel worse. So make a decision, take the steps to get there and seek out the people who will support you. Make mistakes, fuck up, try again. Whatever you choose, do it wholeheartedly. I am in favor of you following your heart. Rocket scientist? Koala bear keeper? Teacher? Go for it.

I'm sorry if this sounds like my own mindless ramble and is of no help. I can't tell you what you need to do, but make the choice for yourself. I am where I am at today because I am doing it for me and nobody else.

11/3/2013 03:07:23 am

awh thanks Christi. If only that was my problem. I've always just done what I want, and the issue is there are about thirty gillion things I want to do and only roughly 80 years of life. My problem is prioritizing and focusing on one. Le sigh. =)

X-Tee (Christi)
11/3/2013 02:43:05 pm

Pssh. I should've known! How about consulting the Magic 8 ball?

16/3/2013 01:58:29 pm

So, have you actually talked to the Air Force yet? My first blaring question is if they'd take you with your tattoos. That was one of the first new-picky criteria they were throwing around in conversation here.
Secondly, I know quite a few peeps with degrees and no job options that have gone into the military recently. It's a decent option, especially if you're as physically fit as you are and could go in as an officer. FUCK YEAH.
Thirdly, all the people who work where we wanna work (the nice federal jobs) are mostly vets. So if that's where you want to end up, it's a good option.
I support NOT incurring more debt, but that's just me.
I ALSO support doing what makes you the least suic/homicidal.

17/3/2013 02:38:42 am

Thanks Erin, I am totally thinking along the same lines. I'm really glad you feel this way. I think of anyone in my life, if you told me no about military, I'd immediately put that idea aside and know it was the wrong choice. But that you're supportive, along with the other two people who are closest to me and know me the best (my dad and Steve), makes me feel like it's the right path for me.


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